i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
