he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
