he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
