a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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