did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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