your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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