I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
