She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
