So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
