We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
