I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
