yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
