my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I want a musical about memes.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
