I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
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I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
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Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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