I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
