whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
