It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
