I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
