My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
