thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Randomize
