question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
