my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
