It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
