so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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