You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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