also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
