mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
