You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
