I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
