Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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