We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
