wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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