Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
