I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
