I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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