thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
