I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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