i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
