I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
