guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
