i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
