The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
