i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
That accounts for only three of the penises
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
