Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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