It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I stole a fireplace last night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
