So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
