Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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