Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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