I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
