Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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