Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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