Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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