MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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