I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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