I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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