She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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