Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
