my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
