Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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