help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
