I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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