The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
