I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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